Identifier

MSS.2.78

Publication Date

7-6-1921

Document Type

Letter

Transcription

30 Seymour Road
6 July, 1921

Dearest Dada:

Yours of June 5, just received: and
I am hastening to answer you, because moods
like everything else are transient and cannot
be captured by mere will. Since I returned
home from Canton, I have written you once,
but needless to say, I have actually started letters
more than half a dozen times: but each
time I became so disgusted, so disgusted
that I tere[sic] up my efforts.

I agree with you that you and I are
in the same boat as far as being self-
satisfied is concerned. As to the emptiness of
life, -- well, life is empty, there is no
gain saying that. And yet looking around
and about me, everyone I know, friends,
relatives and acquaintances all envy me
because they say I seem to have
everything good in life, everything worth
having! I have told you all this before,
and so you know how I view the
matter myself. And then also I am
forced to admit that I do seem to have [page break]
the richest life of any one of my
friends or acquaintances. Then why in the
name of common sense, am I such an
ingrate, and feel so tired of life
And feel so keenly the futility of life?

You will probably laugh at what I
am going to tell you. You know I
have tried every mode of life possible
to find happiness, or at least a panacea
from the boredom of existence, within
my environment. I have tried "Social
Service", "self-improvement", "butterflying",
in fact all the possible ways which
seemed to promise a richer, fuller life.
And I have failed!!

Now I am trying something
new; new at least for me; and so
far I have not tried it sufficiently
to tell whether the outcome will be
satisfactory, but such as it is, I
shall tell you.

You know Dada, I am not a
religious person. I am too darned
independent and pert to be meek or [page break]
humble or submissive. As you probably
know too, my sister Mrs. Kung was
even more independent than I. She
is very much keener than I, a
really brilliant woman, and very
social,-- always has been the
leading Social light. Up to two or
three years ago, she even denied the
existence of a god, and whenever
religion was mentioned in her
presence, she either shunned the
topic or else plainly said that
it was all old women's nonsense
etc. But now she is very religious,
and she told me that the reason why
she is so changed is because she
has seen the error of her former
manner and attitude towards God.
She told me she has gone through periods
of agony far worse than any I
have been through;-- and that
because of her misery and suffer-
ings she turned to God,-- and [page break]
now she has found solace in
life and faith in living. I wish you
could know her, for she is undoubted-
ly the most brilliant mind in the
family, and is unusually keen +
quick witted, vivacious, quick,
and energetic. She is not the sort
I would consider at all fanatical;
and yet she is deeply religious,
and now prays to God to help the
solution of her problems. More than
this, she has found peace, such
peace as she has never known.
Before I used to think that she
intentionally drugged her mind,
psychologically speaking, but now
I think differently. She told me
that the only way for me to conquer
this lassitude of mind is to become
religious, and to really commune
with God. You know, she has
been telling me this for a long [page break]
time and up to the present. I
used to get furious just because
her words irritated me, and used
to tell her to keep still. But now
I am trying her advice, and so
far I cannot say how it will
work out. I will say this, though,
since I tried her advice, I feel
a great deal happier, -- as though
I no longer am carrying a
heavy bundle alone. When I pray
now, I am in a receptive
mood, so to speak. I cannot
explain this to you; but I wish
you were here for Mrs. Kung
to talk to you. You know
becoming more religious has not
changed her outward mode of
living, because she is just as
gay, and goes out to parties etc
just as much as before, but [page break]
somehow or another, there is
a difference in her. She is a
great deal less critical, more
thoughtful, and not so intoler-
ant of the short comings of others.

In having closer communion
with God, the essential feature
in faith that the Supreme
Being is close to you, and is
with you all the time. Such
external forms as church worship,
or the Bible, etc. are good only
in so far as they help you
in getting closer to God. The
essential character though is
this belief in the all-powerful
love of God. I suppose this sounds
almost heretical; but this is how
I conceive of God. I wish you
would try yourself. I have found
that the best way to get into
close communion with God is to [page break]
select a hymn, the meaning of
which is exactly what you desire;
then read or sing the words till
the idea permeates through your
consciousness, and you really
feel that your mind is ready
for communion with God: then
pray, as you would talk to
your father or with a very
close friend. Of course every one
has a different way of praying;
but to me, this is really the way
how I can most strongly feel
the presence of God.

You will likely think I
have gone crazy; but really Dada,
I have tried and tired of every-
thing else. Probably you think I
have [lived] "goody-goody"-- but no!
I am even this very minute sitting
on the verandah outside my room
writing you, and smoking a good [page break]
cigarette, and enjoying its flavor.

My sister, Mrs. Sun, in Canton
is President of the War Relief Society
of the Southern Government, and sent
me a book to subscribe. I went for
her. This morning I went out, and
got five hundred dollars. But oh
what beastly hot work! I have
to go around asking for money, but
this fund is for soldiers' families, and
I felt I had to do my []. Fortunately
I got hold of one of the well-known
business-men of the city, the father
of one of my friends and made him
take me around to his friends'
offices for two hours. When his
friends learned who I am, they
bowed and scraped; but at first
you might to have seen the way
they looked at me!! Men are
such beasts sometimes! Fortunately I
made his daughter accompany me
too! But no more subscribing for me!

Yours with love-- Daughter [page break]

P.S. It is disgraceful the way I scrawl &
use such huge paper. However I
feel so cramped when I write on
ordinary note paper. Do you mind
such huge sheets,-- & such
scrawls?

I am still keeping on with my
Chinese classes;-- three hours every
[morning] with a tutor(except this
morning.) I am planning of a time
when I shall have sufficient grasp
of the language to translate beautiful,
quaint, or colorful Chinese pieces into
English fiction for you to work on.
Won't it be fun for you & me to have
a lovely house in the country in the
interior of China all to ourselves, and
to collaborate in turning out versions
of all the beautiful in our Chinese
literature? I could translate the
essence and spirit of the master-
pieces, and you could shape them
into form! How would works of [page break]
of [sic] "Wills & Soong" strike you! So
cheer up, -- old dear,--
you and I will have enough
[], color, transparence,
and seething, bubbling, effervescent
shifts and changes after all!

Daughter

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